Westchester Exceptional Children's School

Parent and Teacher Relationships

Parents and teachers of special children have a common purpose: to provide the best care for the special child. Although both profess to wanting the same thing they are coming from opposite sides of the fence. The teacher, for one, has chosen to become a special education teacher and is acclaimed for entry into a field that garners much praise from the outside world for its intrinsic value and ennobling qualities. This automatically raises the teacher's feelings of self worth and self-esteem.

The parent, on the other hand, has not chosen to have a child who is anything less than normal. To the parent, the birth of a disabled child necessitates continuing adjustment to a sorrowing event. Contrary to the special education teacher who is gratified by her involvement, the special parent must cope with feelings of sadness and an often pervasive loss of self-esteem.

When the special child reaches school age, parents and teachers too often unwittingly find themselves in an adversarial relationship instead of as equal partners working together to maximize the special child's potential.

In this issue we will explore how barriers to an effective parent-teacher relationship arise and how best to work towards a better relationship, one where parents can influence the teacher's involvement with them positively and, in turn, where the teacher can enhance how the parents feel about their special child.

Why Barriers Exist

Teachers and other professionals seeking to help the special parent are often intimidating which has the adverse effect of making the parent feel inadequate or humiliated. Instead of being able to communicate openly, special parents become so threatened they react with guilt, anger or denial. Many times special parents find themselves on the receiving end of mixed messages; they are alternately praised, blamed, ostracized, encouraged, admired and pitied often by the same professional!

This kind of thoughtlessness causes unnecessary resentment. Special parents are better served by a practical, nonjudgemental and understanding approach, one offering workable suggestions that will not only improve matters but will not detract from other pressing obligations and family needs.

Both parent and teacher bring specific knowledge to the common goal of helping the special child. The child's teacher brings a variety of specialized teaching techniques and methods to help the special child learn and behave to the best of his or her abilities.

The parent, on the other hand, is able to provide keen insight based on firsthand, intimate knowledge of his own child. It is, after all, the parent who knows best how his child will react to certain situations or respond to certain techniques.

Teachers who are unaware of or who choose not to avail themselves of parental insights are losing a valuable ally as well as creating unnecessary obstacles. For the most part special parents are the best judge of their own skills and limitations regarding their disabled child. The teacher who is unable to recognize this fact might be making well intentioned suggestions to the parent on ways to work with their special child that are difficult or nearly impossible to carry through at home.

Unless there are mechanisms for parent and teacher to communicate honestly and with mutual understanding of each other's role even the best of plans will lead to frustration, resentment and the laying of blame at each other's door.

Creating a better relationship

The teacher who is comfortable with making the special parent aware that the parent is considered skillful and his special offspring likeable goes a long way toward building trust and an enduring partnership. The special education teacher, above all other professionals, should have significant training in how to be supportive, empathic and sensitive to the special parents' needs. The special education teacher should, for instance, recognize that the school day ends at 3 PM and that the special parents' day lasts for 24 hours.

Parents, by the same token, should recognize that there is just so much that can be accomplished during the school day. With effort and support from home, teachers can and do motivate the special child to achieve academicaIIy, sociaIIy and emotionally. Ideally, both parent and teacher should encourage each other to put forth their best efforts to provide an atmosphere for the special child to learn and grow.

The get acquainted meeting. The best way to create a better relationship is to begin at the beginning, preferably as close to the start of the school year as possible. The teacher should plan informal get-togethers with the parents to get acquainted as much as to allay parental anxiety. What is unknown can often cause undue concern.

At the first meeting, which should be as relaxed and informal as possible, the teacher might choose to show a film or demonstrate some of the classroom materials that are specific to the remediation of learning difficulties. In a general way the teacher can explain how the students in the class are evaluated, what the educational tests mean and what the procedures are for relaying information to the parent. This could include weekly reports, scheduled telephone conference calls, informal notes, daily experience notebook where the teacher jots down the days events. The format and dates of the formal report card conference could be one of the topics covered at the imformal meeting, if need be. How the goals stated in the child's individualized education program (IEP) are translated into daily reading, math, and writing instruction activities could also be outlined but in a general way.

The teacher could also discuss with parents the schools's homework policy and how parents should supervise their children's school responsiblities. Coordinating home and school routines such as absentee notes, making up for absences and anything else pertinent to closer home and school relationships could be discussed. Asking if the parent has any special hobbies or skills such as cooking, photography, etc. that they could share with the class is a good ice-breaker and is helpful in creating an atmosphere where parental involvement is welcomed.

A sign-up sheet for parents desiring individual conferences could be distributed. Feedback questionnaire sheets could also be given out to find if the parent wishes to continue to have informal meetings. It's important to determine the most convenient times and dates for parents to meet, especially in the case of the working or single parent.

Parents should also be given in formation on the most convenient time for the teacher to be reached. Hopefully, this will forestall inappropriate interruptions of valuable classroom time.

Parents who, for whatever reason, are unable to attend informal meetings should be contacted by phone or note. The same kind of information presented at the informal meeting could go home by letter or, if the teacher has time, by home visit.

The informal classroom meeting should also include light refreshments which will prompt socializing. If it is at all possible, the teacher could get together a display of pamphlets, books or bibliographies that might prove helpful.

Informal meetings are quite different from back-to-school nights and the more formalized parentteacher conferences. The informal approach is invaluable. The teacher who takes the time to organize such meetings has in reality raised the comfort level of parents and opened channels of communication that help form a productive school year.

Do's and Dont's For Parents

Do have realistic expectations about what the school can and cannot do. Finding out about all aspects of your child's disability will help you to estimate how far he can go. Ask teachers and other professionals for reading material or find resources about your child's problem areas. Join a parent support group or parent teacher organization that will help you determine if the school is effective in helping your child.

Do become an educated parent. Find out all you can about the nature of your child's disability and how it affects school performance. This will help you avoid the pitfall of making unrealistic demands for academic achievement on both your child and his teacher.

Don't assume the school can do everything without your assistance. Find out what the school is doing and what their strategies are. Perhaps there are things you can do at home that will reinforce school activities. Keeping in close contact strengthens the parent-teacher team.

Do be honest. If you are having a problem at home, alert the school so they can either make recommendations or see if the problems interfere with school performance.

Don't immediately leap to the defensive if the school contacts you with problems they are having with your child. No matter how difficult this may seem, think of this as an opportunity to share in important information and ideas. Suggest a meeting so you can address the problem together.

Do suggest to your child's school that you have scheduled conference phone calls or notebooks so that you can exchange information and constructive ideas. Find out if your child's school has a home-school coordination plan. Perhaps there is a policy about the frequency and duration of parent-teacher contacts or telephone calls. If there aren't any parent-teacher involvement policies perhpas you can suggest one that might be beneficial.

Don't wait until a problem becomes serious before contacting the school. If your child seems unhappy or frustrated, contact the school immediately. Alert the teacher to any problems you feel are significant. Many times minor problems can be solved before they reach crises proportions if home and school have open lines of communication.

Do take advantage of back-to-school night, parent-teacher conferences and other school-related activities. Get together formally or, in informally, through regular channels so that there is a consistent approach toward your youngster. Knowing what goes on at school can extend and enrich your child's school performance.

Do talk to other parents. Join a parent-teacher organization, a special education P.T.A. or a parent support group. If there isn't one, perhaps you can organize one.

Do make sure you understand the terminology used by your child's teacher in describing your child's unique needs. This will avoid confusion about your child's specific disability and is especially important in helping you to develop ways to help him constructively. Often, professionals use terms that are clear to them but not to you. Don't be afraid to ask questions or to seek another opinion.

Don't dredge up the past unless it's to alert the teacher about strategies that have been tried previously and have not worked. Tirades about poor teachers or inadequate schools serve no useful purpose and often alienate others.

Don't get angry if you find that the school does not include you in making decisions about your child as much as you want. Anger often turns off those people who are in a position to help. Instead, restate clearly that the best approach to educating your child is if both parties know what the other is doing. In that way neither parent nor teacher inadvertently sabotages each other's efforts. Schools are often resistant to change and in many cases parent involvement is a big change. By showing the teacher that you are calm, confident and know a great deal about your child and his disability, your input is apt to be welcomed.

Do adopt a positive attitude towards your child's school. Speaking negatively about school education or the teacher fosters a disrespectful attitude and can contribute to poor school performance. If, however, you have a genuine interest, chances are your child will, too. A feeling of mutual respect and commitment between parent and teacher is your special child's best ally.

Do's and Don'ts for Teachers

Do create an atmosphere of warmth and good feelings. Make sure that anytime you meet with parents the room is comfortable, well-lit and with ample seating. Don't allow outside calls or other people to intrude or interrupt. This conveys to the parent that their needs are unimportant.

Don't sit behind your desk with parents forced into cramped child-size chairs. This is an instant barrier to honest and productive communication.

Do remember that if the parent perceives the teacher as indifferent or formidable, the relationship becomes strained and nonproductive.

Do be especially sensitive to body language, both yours and the parents'. Remember, facial expressions, posture, body positions (such as crossed arms) send messages concerning what you and the parent really feel.

Don't use language that is jargon-based when you are discussing the child. This does not clarify things, it merely confuses the parent. Moreover, the use of jargon does not convey sincerity.

Do write report cards, notes and reports that are clear, concise, nonthreatening and jargon-free. Make sure parents get copies of reports as well.

Don't threaten, scold or set yourself up as the authority. This turns parents off and elicits evasiveness not cooperation. Remember that the parent is an authority in his own right and a parent knows his offspring better than anyone.

Do become acquainted with community resources such as after-school programs, summer camps, respite or child-care services. In this way, you will be regarded by the parent as a supportive ally.

Don't show disbelief regarding any information the parent volunteers. Quite often there is a marked discrepancy between home and school performance. Dismissing a parent's description of a skill the child displays at home as untrue because it was not noted at school or vice versa causes much anger and resentment. The issue is how to work together, not to invalidate parent information. Parent comments should not be viewed as insignificant but as helpful because they often fill in the picture about the child's unique needs.

Do be honest with parents. Teachers are human, they make mistakes like everyone else. It's best to state "I don't know" if this is the case and make it clear you will make a concerted effort to investigate any problems.

Do remember that the reality of any situation differs depending on whether it is the parent or teacher's point of view. The teacher, for example, might perceive the child as not working to his potential whereas the parent sees this as the teacher not motivating the child. Somewhere in the middle of this is a child exhibiting problems. It is only through honest communication, being careful not to lay blame, that this problem can be addressed.

Do make every effort to convey to the parent that his child is likeable and possesses admirable traits or talents. Too often the special child is educated in an atmosphere where his deficits and problems take precedence. Remember the child's assets and mention them often.

Do let the parent know when something positive has occurred. This needn't be a major breakthrough, just a note perhaps about Johnny's good behavior, or ability to stay with the lesson or any other improvements. Progress in special education is inch-by-inch and everyone's acknowledgement of this fact will help develop a better relationship.

Don't be discouraged by parents who seem to make demands or who corner you at every opportunity. There is a hidden agenda that prompts such behavior. Put yourself in their place; in all probability they have been hurt in the past or perhaps they are under stress. Reassure the parents and make sure they are aware how much you care about their child and his progress. Set up mutually convenient times where you can be available to them.

Do develop with the parent mutually arrived at goals. Make sure each one is clear about his or her individual responsibilities. The teacher cannot do everything and neither can the parent. It's only through a joint effort that the parent-teacher relationship prospers and the special child benefits.

Reprinted with permission from Special Parent/Special Child, a bi-monthly newsletter published by Lindell Press, Inc. that was designed to promote effective family functioning between parent and special child. Bylined articles do not necessarily reflect the publisher's viewpoint.

Authored by Linda Murphy, MS. and Suzanne Della Corte, M.S.